


2 Broke Girls and the Celestial Intervention

by lia_bezdomny



Category: 2 Broke Girls, Constantine (TV), Hellblazer, Hex - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe, Crossover, F/M, Mild Language, Mildly Dubious Consent, Minor Violence, Other, Out of Character
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-12-18
Updated: 2015-02-11
Packaged: 2018-03-02 02:58:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,873
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2797112
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lia_bezdomny/pseuds/lia_bezdomny
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Max Black is a waitress and nothing more, at least she thought she was. Now she has to deal with a soiled uniform, prophecies and a fallen angel. To make matters worse, a certain dabbler in the dark arts also gets involved in the mess she once called an ordinary life.</p><p>Oh damn... I wrote myself into a corner and I cannot get out. If you want to help, be my guest.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Countess of Sarcasm

**Author's Note:**

> This is a 2 Broke Girls/Hex/Constantine crossover, because... Do I really need to explain why I wanted to write a story about characters played by Kat Dennings and Michael Fassbender, with a little Matt Ryan on the side? I didn't think so. Enjoy.

“Max, I'm boss, you take out trash.” She was mimicking Han's voice as she threw the huge garbage bag into the dumpster. That little weasel caught her before she could leave with Caroline.

“That's what I get for waiting for her nails to dry.” She closed the lid with a loud bang and reached into her purse for some wipes. Then she heard noises behind her.

“Han, I threw the trash out, no need to control me. Congratulations on the big boy steps by the way.” She turned around and looked into the barrel of a gun.

“Give me your purse.” It was the hipster robber, the one that cleaned out the Starbucks around the corner. The same ironic shirt, idiotic goatee and beanie hat.

“Yeah, I know the procedure. You are not the first robber I encountered...“ “Are you in trouble?”

“Holy shit.” Both Max and the robber were startled by the tall man next to them.

“Wrong back alley, pal.” Max snorted and pointed to the gun. “I see.” He replied with a smile that was not friendly but dangerous.

“The chick is right, hand over your wallet.” “I have a better idea. Why don't you give me your weapon, Barry?”

“How do you know my name?” He stammered.

 _“Barry? If it wasn't hard enough to take that guy serious before...”_ Her train of thought were broken by said hipster robber, who pushed her out of his way and ran off into the night. She felt something wet on her back.

 

“Please, let it be water...” But no, Max didn't fell into a puddle of water. The smell of ammonia confirmed it.

“Let me help you.” The man said and tried to help her up. She batted his hand away. She might be a little low on dignity these days but she would defend the last ounce of it. 

“Don't get attached.” He wasn't taking aback by her rudeness, he just politely nodded and let her get on her feet.

“Who the hell are you?” Now he looked confused. 

“I'm Azazeal.” That name should obviously mean something to her. Of course it didn't but to be fair, Caroline was the one with too much time and the urge to know anyone who was someone that day.

“That sounds biblical. Are you related to these two Amish guys? Jacob and Jebediah?” He gave her a shark like grin.

“Do I look Amish to you, my serene one?” Tailored black coat, a white shirt with a few buttons open. The shoes looked expensive. Caroline could probably tell her the price.

His raised eyebrows, framed cold eyes and the way he looked at her, almost longing... Max held her hands in front of her chest and said, as steady as she could:

“No. But you also don't look like someone I should trust in a dark back alley.” She wasn't really scared of him but she had no idea why.

“You really don't remember me? Not that I was ever worthy of your favour, my queen but I must admit, it stings me deeply.”

Was he flirting with her? And what was up with that “Downton Abbey” talk? And why did she suddenly had the urge to lick over his sharp cheekbones? Focus, Max!

“Did you just call me your queen?” “Of course. How else should I refer to you?”

“Alright, A... migo! I'm a waitress, not a queen. And yes, I do sometimes refer to myself as the countess of sarcasm, but that's as royal, as I get.

Now take your crazy and your cheekbones and go back to your Sherlock Holmes convention!” There was his grin again.

“I see, you've lost none of your fire. I shall return.”

“No you shall not!” Max grabbed her purse and searched for her pepperspray. When she turned around, the man was gone.

“You were robbed!” Caroline shrieked and tried to hug Max but she was quicker and ducked. “No, I was not. That guy tried, but then that other guy stepped in.”

“What other guy?” Han inquired. “I don't know, dark, tall, handsome...” Clearly bat shit crazy.

“I was nowhere near the back alley!” Earl said and poured Max a brandy. "Earl Time" was starting sooner and sooner lately. Not that Max was complaining.

“I never let you get back out there alone again.” Caroline promised and put her hand to her pearls.

“Yes, you would have been really helpful. That is all that our back alley needs: More pee. Let's go home, I need some sleep.”

\---

As soon as the two roommates walked through the front door, Caroline was fully emerced in her Florence Nightingale routine.

“Are you alright, Max? Should I sleep in your bed tonight?" “Caroline, if you want to hit on me, just do it. No need for a smoke screen.”

“Max, you've been traumatised!” “Yes and I've been living with my trauma for the past three years now.” She only tries to be a good friend, Max thought and felt a little guilty.

“I'm fine. Go into your vagina and stop worrying.”

After soaking her uniform in the bathtub, she changed into her favourite boxers and sleeping shirt.

“What a fucked up day. Stiffed at a forty dollar check, almost robbed and an uniform dosed in piss.” She combed her hair out and looked into the mirror.

“My queen.” The man, Actimel or whatever the hell he called himself, creeped back into her mind, as she walked into her bedroom.

“My queen... Damn, I heard a lot of cheesy come-ons but that is definitely in the top five.” She cuddled up in her bed, the sleeping mask around her eyes.

“I should have asked Earl for a joint. No way I'm gonna get a good night sleep.”

 

Max awoke some time later, a body pressed against her back.

“Damn it, Caroline I said I don't want you to sleep in my bed,” she mumbled. “So move your erection away from my ass.” Erection?

“Caroline,” she whispered, now fully awake, “Please tell me you're transitioning.” A hand, that was definitely not her roommate's, stroke the outside of her thigh.

“Who is this Caroline? Should I be jealous?” With astonishing speed, Max jumped out of her bed and grabbed the knife she hid under the pillow.

 

She turned on the light and saw her rescuer/stalker propped up on her bed. Naked. Very naked and obviously excited to be there. She tore her gaze away from the excitement and focused on his face.

“You! What the hell? How? What the hell?” “You already said that.” Why was he grinning like that?

“So? There is a stranger in my bed! That justifies at least fifty “What the hell's" in my opinion! Caroline! Call the police! Caroline!” “Oh, she can't hear you.” Her eyes widened in shock.

“What did you do to her, you psycho?!” “Nothing, she is asleep. A very deep, very pleasant sleep. You can go check on her.” Max left her bedroom, gaze still fixed on the man.

“If you did anything to her, I swear this will be the last hard-on of your life.” She pressed out through clenched teeth. “I wouldn't expect anything less from you, my queen.”

Max entered the living room, finding Caroline in her bed. She looked alive and happy. Judging from the sounds she made, more than happy.

 

“See? I told you, a pleasant sleep.” An arm snaked around her waist, removing the knife from her hand. Max went very still.

“Did you give her something?” She had no idea why she was whispering, but this was also the first time she had to deal with bullshit like this.

“No, I have no need for drugs.” he brushed her hair over her shoulder and started to kiss her neck. “Oh...” Max hoped it sounded not like a moan of pleasure.

“All I did was plant a thought in her head. Nothing more.” He was caressing her breast now and for a second she thought about giving in.

He was hot and she slept with worse guys... Stop thinking with your ovaries you idiot! Her mind screamed. Think of Han, Oleg... Oleg having sex with Han. That did the trick.

 

“Yeah, sure you did.” She slowly moved her arm to the side and drove her elbow into his abdomen. The “omph” he made was almost comical and he released her from his grip.

And now what? She couldn't leave Caroline alone with him and the knife was pretty much the only weapon in their home. Or could she get Chestnut to kick his head in? Probably not.

They were facing each other, no one made a move. Mexican stand off. It's been a while. Sarcasm was usually a good defence, at least for her.

Maybe it would work against a homicidal maniac? Then something in his expression changed.

 

“You really have no memory of me at all?” “No! I have no idea who you are! Did we hook up or something?”

Was he really hurt by this? She almost felt sorry for that. If it wasn't for the nighttime intrusion, the groping and drugging of Caroline.

“What did they do to you?” He tried to approach her but she stepped back. Now he looked even more sad.

“Maybe you have me confused with someone. Or they gave you the wrong pills. Happened to my mom a lot. Whenever she was somewhat human, I could tell they dosed her wrong.”

“Your mother? You have no mother.”

“Yeah, I sometimes think that too, but the 50 bucks I send her on her birthday, tell me otherwise.”

“No, my queen. You gave birth to yourself. Like the true goddess you are.” That was not bat shit crazy. That was insanity on a Son of Sam level. Before he could tell her that his dog told him to make her his

bride, she started to scream:

“CAROLINE! WAKE THE FUCK UP! SOPHIE! CRACK ADDICTS FROZEN TO OUR FRONT PORCH! ANYONE!”

“Are you not my queen?” He didn't speak English to her, yet she could understand him.

“I am and always will be.” It was her voice that said the words. Like a code, unlocking something deep in her mind. Suddenly, images poured into her head. Lavish temples, people worshiping a goddess.

Her. She was the object of their affection and fear.

“He drugged me too.” Was all she could think before she lost conscience.


	2. Punk Metaphors.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John is a little weak in pop culture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A mini chapter to get John involved because I had the fucking bright idea to include him in the first place. So yeah.

“So, you're living her now, love?” John threw his trench coat onto the chair next to Zed. She didn't look up from her drawing. At least she blinked now and again during one of her artistic possessions. It was less

creepy that way. 

“I know, that it's quite thrilling to be around me, but as I told you before, I don't get involved with the people I work with. Most of the time. And if I did, Chas would come first.”

“It is nice to be appreciated.” The man in question walked up to the pair and handed John a take out container.

“Well, you are a catch, my friend.” John grinned at him. 

“When you two are done flirting, I think I've got our next mission.” “I can flirt and focus on missions, don't worry.” The occultist replied and grabbed one of Zed's drawings.

“It's true, I've seen it. A lot of times.” Chas took the other sketch and studied it.

“They are pretty.” The sketch showed two women in waitress uniforms, one with wavy dark hair and a hand on her hip, the other one blonde and tall. 

 

“He's also easy on the eye. Oh... That is not good. That is... _Bollocks_. Chas, get the map, please.” John pointed to a sign on the bottom of the paper.

“What does that mean? I see it, every time I close my eyes.”

“That, my dear Zed, is the sign of an angel and not one in the service of God. He and his brothers are called Nephilim, they are fallen angels and although they don't work for Lucifer, they are still a bunch of evil

fuckers. His name is Azazeal and I've dealt with him a few years ago. Well, with his son to be precise. That little bastard enslaved a school in England and...”

“Wanted to rule the world, right?” John nodded.

“It's always about world domination or the extinction of the human race. It is never about, oh I don't know the finale of “Dancing with the Stars” or to bring the MacRib back full time. That would impress me

more at this point.” John broke out into a full body laughter. She narrowed her eyes and frowned.

 

“What's so funny?” “We broke her, Chas. Just a few weeks in and our illustrious artist cannot be arsed to show awe at an evil entities master plan.”

“That's disappointing.” “Not for me, I just won five quid. Now, let us see where we can find our fallen angel.” The map did its magic and soon, a red bloody dot marked the New York area.

“Williamsburg. Ugh, the capital of the hipsters.” Zed rolled her eyes.

“What on earth is a hipster?” “A hipster, my dear John,” she answered, mocking his accent.

“Is an evil creature that thinks of itself as ironic and creative but fails to acknowledge its own sad, pathetic existence.” John stared at her blankly, so Chas stepped in.

“The people “The Dead Kennedys” sang about in “Holiday in Cambodia”.” Now Zed looked confused.

“Sometimes you have to speak to him in punk metaphors.” “See Zed, this is why I'd choose him over you. He gets me. Now let's go to New York, ouch! Why did you kick me?!” Zed grabbed her bagpack and

smiled.

“I just wanted to “kick it, kick it, kick it.” See it as a metaphor.”


	3. Greet the madness like an old friend and give it a chair.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azazeal is introduced to the concept of boundaries and leaves a long lasting impression.

“Max, wake up.” Caroline gently shook her friend, who was lying on the floor. “Caroline? Oh my God, where is he?!”

“Who?” “Alpha male! That guy from yesterday! Did he do something to you?”

“Max, what is going on?” “He was here last night, naked in my bed.”

“Your back alley man was in your bed.” Caroline gave Max a strange look. “Yes! He was trying to get some but I pulled my knife on him.” It sounded kinda badass, Max had to admit.

“And I was sleeping, while this was going on?” The blonde looked unconvinced. “Yes! He drugged you, somehow. You moaned the whole time!”

“Max, come on.” “What?!” “Are you sure you didn't smoke one of Earl's joints? That sounds like a bad trip.”

“Damn it, Caroline! I don't dream of strange man feeling me up when I'm high! I dream of food, like any respectable stoner.” “He... Uhhh.” Caroline swayed her hips in a suggestive matter or at least Max

assumed she did. Maybe she simply had a stroke.

 

“No, not uhhh! It was terrifying! Stop dancing, my anaconda wants none of this.” Caroline put a hand on Max' shoulder.

“I'm sure you believe that this all happened, but I honestly think it was only your subconscious running wild. That and a bad trip.”

“I'm was not high!” “Okay fine. But you will be late for work, so get into your uniform.”

“Oh crap.” “What's the matter?”

“My uniform is still wet and full of urine.” “So it will match the smell of the diner. Let's go.”  
  


Han was not happy about Max showing up in regular clothes.

“You cannot work without an uniform!” The forced authority in his voice made her giggle. It was like watching a mouse demanding respect from a bunch of cats.

“Han, would you rather have me serve customers in my jeans and blouse or in an urine soaked uniform?” “What about a compromise? Wait on them in the nude.” Oleg suggested from behind his pick up window.

“How is that a compromise?” Han's skin tone changed from pale to tomato red.

“I would compromise myself to watch it.” “That doesn't make any sense!” He shot back. “You don't make any sense!” Oleg disappeared back into the kitchen.

 

“I am the boss! Why is nobody taking me serious?” “Maybe,” Max replied. “It is because you look like something out of a Kinder Surprise?”

“That's it! I'm sending you home, without pay! Go, clean up your uniform and your attitude!” “Han, I was just...” “Out!”

“Fine, Kim Jong Oh-No.” With that Max left the diner and made it back home in record time. 

 

“Stupid little tyrant!” She slammed the door shut. “The degrading things I do in this diner! I smiled two days ago! My cheeks still hurt.” She slumped onto the sofa and opened the laptop.

“Maybe I could watch some videos of kittens...” “Max, are you alright?” She heard Sophie's voice through the closed door. With a sigh, she got up.

“Hi Sophie. Yes, I'm fine. Why?” She was wearing her gym shoes and a pink track suit.

“Oh, haven't you heard? There was a gas leak in the building last night.” Her Polish accent was especially thick today. Maybe it depended on the layers of Make Up. 

“Thank God I stopped smoking! I could have blown the whole house!” “Up,” Max added in her head.

“No need to worry, both Caroline and I are okay. But thanks for checking. You want a cupcake?”

“Do I?” She marched into the kitchen and stuffed half a plate into her handbag.

“See you later, Max. I have to catch the Highschool football team.” “Good luck with that.” Max closed the door and sat back down.

“Gas leak. Yeah, of course. What else could it be? That guy saved me and then the gas made me fantasise about him. And since it's my brain, it made him into a creepy stalker. Perfectly normal.” Then she heard

a knock.

 

“Sophie, I told you it's fine...” The person in the door frame wasn't Sophie. “You.”

“Have you forgotten my name already?” At least he stopped with the my queen bullshit.

“'Course not... Azkaban.” He shook his head. “Aquarell?”

“It's Azazeal.” “Yeah, I knew that. Wait a moment, how do you know where I live?!”

“I was here last night, don't you remember?” “That... That was an illusion. From a gas leak.” He crossed his arms. “An illusion we both had?”

“Yes?” “Are you asking me or telling me?”

“Why are you here... Azazeal?” What a stupid name. No wonder she had problems remembering it.

 

“I thought you may have some questions. And the wish to continue our evening.” Just greet the madness like an old friend and give it a chair.

“Come in.” He shrugged off his coat and sat right next to her on the sofa.

“Boundaries, dude.” “Pardon me?”

“Unless you want to give me a lap dance, get your ass over to the chair.” His lips curved into a slight smile. “Your wish is my command, my...”

“No, not my queen, lady, serene one or excellency. I'm Max. Just Max.” “Very well then. Max.”

She didn't pronounce her name that sexy. Maybe it was the accent. Or her ovaries plotted to take over again. Treacherous reproductive organs. She should have had them tied a long time ago.

 

“So, if I wasn't high on gas, what did happen?” "Well," Azazeal seemed to confuse her living room with the halls of Winterfell. There was no other explanation for the way he reclined in the chair, almost regally.

Better not tell him, that she found his iron throne in front of a crack house.

“We were about to have sex.” “No, you tried to have sex with me and then I introduced you to my elbow. Why was I speaking in tongues?”

“Why wouldn't you speak in the tongue of your kind?” “Broke ass waitresses?” “The Gods of Mesopotamia.”

Max just stared at him and remembered the first rule of dealing with crazy people: Never argue or they might try to chew your face off.

 

“Yes, sure whatever you say. Thank you for clearing that up. Have a nice day. God bless.” Azazeal didn't move.

“Do you want me to show you again?” How on earth did he manage to lace every sentence with innuendo?

“No, I believe you. I am a Goddess. Now you can leave.” She was surprised, how even her voice sounded, while every other part of her body screamed: “Get away from me, you freak!”.

“Make me.” He demanded and got up from the chair. “What?” Crazy face eater or not, he was starting to piss her off. “Make me leave. Do it.”

Azazeal's eyes locked with hers.

“Get,” a roaring sound ripped through the apartment and the doors of the refrigerator started to shake.

“The fuck,” Caroline's bed came down from the wall and crashed onto the floor.

“Out off my apartment!” The door opened and Azazeal was thrown out with such force, his body left a dent when he hit the wall. This time, he was left unconscious.

\---

She wanted him out, now he was out. Still Max dragged Azazeal back into her apartment and onto the couch. She couldn't see his chest moving, so she put her head onto it. Good, he was breathing.

“So this is how I get close to you. By getting a concussion. That is good to know.” He was playing with her hair and that shark like grin was replaced by a little smirk.

“I was just trying to cover my ass. An unconscious guy in my apartment, that can be dealt with. A dead guy in my apartment, that raises some questions.

The first would be: Where to get a chainsaw? Followed by: What to do with the body?”

“How practical you are, Max.” Okay, the hair playing had to stop. She pushed his hand away and looked at him. Was he wearing smudged eyeliner?

She resisted the urge to rub it away and apply it properly. He'd surly misinterpret this as a sign of affection. Instead she asked:

 

“Is that a gang tattoo?”. Azazeal rubbed the side of his neck.

“No, it shows my devotion to the cause of my brothers... Yes, it is a gang tattoo.” “I've never seen it. Are you a small group?”

“We are now.” "Here we go, he's becoming cryptic again," Max thought and rolled her eyes.

“But that is not why I'm here.” “Oh, after last night, I have a pretty clear picture of why you are here.” Azazeal took one of her hands and placed it on his cheek.

“And now the picture is in HD.”

 

“Do you remember the first time we met?” “Sure, yesterday in the back alley. If you don't remember that, we should get you to the hospital.”

“I saw you the first time 3000 years ago, when I begged you to release my child from the underworld.” “Yes, you definitely should go to a hospital. Or Arkham asylum.”

“Why do you fight me on this?” The grip he had on her hand intensified.

“Let go of my hand...” “No, not until you've listened to me!” His voice was nothing but a hiss.

“You denied my request but you understood my pain and therefore I'm in your debt. I repay kindness.” “By breaking my hand?!”

“By making you see the truth. Why do you think you have this urge to fight for what is right? Your contempt for people who live a life they do not deserve?”

“Because I'm a bitter bitch.” “Because you are just. You see the sins in others. That is your gift, your purpose.”

“I don't have a gift. And my purpose in life is to earn money for rent, go to work and suppress the urge to go postal on my customers.” Azazeal looked at her, pity in his eyes.

“That is truly sad.” At least he relaxed his vice like grip on her hand. “Who would have ever thought that I wanted to weep for a God?” Max snorted.

“You? What are you, the devil?” “I am a Nephilim.”

“Is that a new branch of Scientology?” “I am an angel.”


	4. Michael Landon would be turning in his grave.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Caroline finally owns up to her status as a broke, pissed-off waitress and Max just can't catch a break.

“Max, get up, or we are going to be late!” Max took a quick look under her blanket. She was still wearing yesterdays clothes and no crazy British guy was cuddled up next to her.

“That's gotta be some strong gas,” she said to herself and walked into the bathroom. "I'm an angel." She mimicked Azazeal's voice and snorted.

“Yeah sure you are, and I am Simba, the lion king.” She roared into the mirror. “Did you say something Max?”

“No, I'm just reading one of the inspirational post-its, I keep on the mirror. The one that says: “Life is nothing but eternal darkness.”.” “Charming. Could you read me mine?” Her roommate asked.

“Yours says: “Get your skinny ass out of my apartment, whitey.” You could really change that, after three years.” “Why? Your skinny ass is still here.”

“Oh, remind me, if we see Sophie, we've got to tell her about the giant dent in the wall.” “Dent?”

“Yes, when I came home from my shift I saw it. It looks like someone with a wrecking ball decided to do some redecorating. Max, are you alright?”

Her brunette friend was paler than usual and muttered: “Yes, sure.” Caroline looked unconvinced.  
   
\---  
  
“Excuse me, I ordered my cheeseburger with a side of fries.” A customer the waitresses named Cho-Yun-Extremely-Fat, raised his hand to get her attention.

“Well I ordered my life with a side of trust fund. I guess we are both out of luck tonight.” Max looked at her friend and saw the shock in her face. “I'm sorry, fries, coming right up.”

“Caroline, you're being bitchy and rude. I respect that but this is so not... You.” “So not me? I am working for minimum wage! And it's not even the American minimum wage! My back hurts, my feet hurt and my

pride is gone, along with my fortune! This is the real me now. I'm here, I'm pissed off, get used to it! And now I'm taking a break! Get out off my way, Short Round!” She shoved Han to the side and walked to the

kitchen.

“What is wrong with Caroline? Is it her time of the month?” “Han, do you really want me to tell you all about Caroline's circle?”

“No! Men should not know the workings of female reproductive circle. Didn't your mother tell you that?”

“My mother didn't even tell me who my father is.” “You birthed yourself...” Azazeal's voice echoed in her brain. That gas leak dream was really started to get on her nerves.

  
Something was off that evening. The customers were more annoying than usual, Caroline told a funeral party to “Just get over it already” and Sophie and Oleg had sex in the freezer, while Max was taking out a

pumpkin pie. Even Han demanded “Respect” and threatened to fire Caroline three times. The only person who acted normal, besides her, was Earl. Han walked over to Max around 11 and pointed to the tables

she waited on.

 

“Max, the diner clientèle has just improved. There, extremely handsome, meterosexual man in your section.” _Azazeal._ Of course. Han was overjoyed and ushered her over to him.

“Max, don't you want to say something?” “Yes, Max. Say something.” He grinned at her, hands folded on the table.

“Hello, welcome to the Williamsburg Diner, now leave the Williamsburg Diner.” Azazeal looked bemused. “Max, don't be rude in front of customer!”

“She wasn't rude at all, we are old friends, aren't we? Now leave us alone.” Han simply turned around and walked to his office.

 

“Please, sit with me.” “I have customers.”

“They have other things to do right now.” One by one, the people in the diner opened their wallets and threw all their cash onto the tables before walking out.

“Okay, I must admit, that was impressive. Are you one of those hypnotists? Can you make Caroline bark like a dog?” “As I told you already, I am an angel. And yes, I could do that to your friend.”

“Why are you stalking me? Is this some kind of “Highway to Heaven” thing? Do you want me to change my life for the better?” Azazeal scoffed. “No, I am not that kind of angel. God and I, we are not exactly

friends. I had some issues with his management and we parted ways.”

 

“I always thought angels had no free will.” “Who told you that bullshit?” “Sunday school. Or maybe I saw it in a movie.”

“I assure you, we have free will and determination. That is why I'm here, to save you.” “From myself?”

“From your husband.” “My husband? What husband? I know I black out a lot but I would remember a marriage. I think I would.” Max stared at Azazeal, who simply nodded.

“Yes you would but you don't have any recollection of your former life. This form, as enchanting as it is, would not be capable to contain your power, let alone all of your memories. I should have known that.

Sadly, I lack omnipotence.”

“A lot of guys would not admit a problem with potency, good for you.” “Omnipotence is godly almightiness.” He explained before returning to his evil grin.

“I can assure you that I have no trouble providing bodily bliss.” “I bet you say that to every Goddess you encounter.”

 

“So you believe me?” He sounded hopeful. “No. I mean sure, you know some sick party tricks and I would consider hooking up but there is no more room for crazy in my life so, good day sir.”

“I will not come to you again, Max. Next time you will ask for me.” He rose from the booth and walked out.

“Are you alright, Max?” Earl patted her hand. “Hm?” “Did that guy give you any trouble?” She raised her hand dismissively.

“Nah, he just tried to convince me that I am a Goddess and he is an angel who doesn't like God anymore. I'm also married and he was in a gang called the Neoprene's.” “Neoprene's? Did he by any chance say

“Nephilim”?”

Max shrugged. “Could be, why?” Earl looked worried. “Max, what was this guy's name?” “Earl, what is going on, you are scaring me.”

“His name, Max.” “Azazeal. Tell me, what is wrong?” “I need a brandy. And a bible.”

 


	5. It's all fun and games until someone gets stabbed with a stiletto.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Earl gives some exposition and Caroline gets protective.

“My nephew David was the principal at an English boarding school. Strange shit happened there, people went crazy and killed each other. One of the girls seemed to be the center of all this trouble. David tried

to help her but she died before he could do anything. A few weeks earlier, they had a conversation, were she asked him about the nephilim and Azazeal. But before he could get to the bottom of all the

craziness, they framed him for embezzlement and he was fired. He came to live with my sister Loretta for a while and one night, after a few drinks he told me the story. I didn't buy it of course, until tonight.”

Sophie was crossing herself during Earl's speech.

 

“Come on, Earl. That must have been some dumb kids with their hormones running wild.” Max could see that Caroline didn't believe her own words.

“Yes, fallen angels, I mean who in their right mind buys that? Sophie, enough with the cross sign! You give yourself a dent.” _Like the one in our hallway, where his body crashed against the wall. He should have_

_been paralysed and still..._

“Max, angels exist. My great-great-cousin Jurek was saved by one during the war. He just threw another soldier into the crossfire. The angel, not Jurek.”

“I also believe in them.” Oleg added, “And there is one now.” He winked at Sophie. “My plus sized Victoria Secret Angel.”

“Don't mock the angels, you human garbage!” “I was not garbage two hours ago when we had sex behind... The garbage cans.”

“Another reason we should clean the back alley. Or set it on fire with a flamethrower.” Max commented. “You had sex again?” The shriek came from Caroline. Now _she_ was crossing herself.

“Max, they had sex again!”

“I know, I was there. Oh don't give me that look, I needed pumpkin pie. It was dinner, a show and a lot of nausea.” “Don't you see what is going on? They _did the nasty_ , Han acted like a dictator, I was rude to

customers... All because that guy showed up. Earl, is there anything else that happened at that school?” “We could ask my nephew.”

\---

After borrowing Han's iPad, they called Earl's nephew over Skype.

“So to sum things up: Azazeal sacrificed a girl and knocked up that other girl, so she could give birth to a son. Who in turn would become the anti-christ?” David Tyrel, nodded.

“More or less. The child would tear away the veil between our worlds and release the dead upon the earth. And also the nephilim.” “And then he just disappeared?”

“One of my old students told me that he followed a higher calling. He left his son and now he is pursuing you, Ms. Black.” “So, he wants to _mate_ with me?”

“Why? She already is the devil.” “Thank you, Oleg. Doesn't he need someone pure, like a nun? Or a blonde?” She looked a Caroline. "Max, how can you joke about this?!" 

“As far as my contact knew, Azazeal's mission is finished. The child was born and I cannot see why he would be interested in you.” “Really? I can see at least two points of interest.” Oleg stared at Max' breasts.

Finally, a little bit of normal behaviour around here.

“I honestly doubt that. Don't get me wrong, Ms. Black. You are indeed very attractive but I don't think Azazeal is driven by carnal desire. I suspect ulterior motives.” “Getting a girl's bra off seems very ulterior to

me.” Max replied and walked out of the diner.

 

"What the fuck happened to my life?" A few days ago, the biggest challenge for her was to convince the landlord that she was an 85 year old Jewish man. And now this bullshit? She had enough.

Caroline followed her. Of course she did. It was probably a rule in the big book of girlfriends. Comfort your best friend when she is stalked by a horny angel.

 

“Max, please come back inside. It is not safe here.” “He is not going to drag me into a dark alley and have his way with me. Besides, the diner is not exactly safe either. He was in there tonight, remember?”

“Maybe David knows something that will keep him away from you...” “Like a crucifix? Frankincense? Myrrh? Fourty _Hail Mary's_? I think the only Mary that could do anything to help me tonight, would be a bloody

one.”

“Then I'm coming home with you.” “Because you were so helpful the last time he was there, right?”

“This time I'm prepared. If he shows up again, I just stab him...” She took off one of her shoes. “With a stiletto.” That was the fist time Max felt like laughing.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The chapter title was taken from a Jezebel headline.


	6. Even Demons have their standards.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey, look! It's that guy again...  
> John is still on his way and he will be in the main story soon.

“Why is it so hard to find a bloody diner in Williamsburg?” John tossed his restaurant guide into a garbage can and lit a cigarette.

“Well, your search criteria also involves a fallen angel and a dark haired waitresses, so pack your sulking.” “Chas is right, John... What is that noise?” It was a distorted version of “Anarchy in the UK”. John patted

his trenchcoat.

“That's my phone. John Constantine? What? David, hello... I know, we are already in Williamsburg, just looking for the diner. You don't know the name by any chance? Yes, we are taking care of it. Thanks for the

call, mate.” The occultist grinned.

“The diner is actually called Williamsburg Diner! Zed, your powers improve by the second.” “Care to tell me who David is?”

 

“Don't be jealous, Chas. David Tyrel, from the possessed school. Turns out, his uncle works with the girl in question.” “I can't believe it.” Zed muttered.

“I know sometimes things just fall into place...” “No, your phone! What is that, it looks like a brick!”

“This phone was blessed by the patriarch of Alexandria. It is immune to magic manipulation and also from apps, advertising and U2.”

“And the patriarch cannot be asked to bless a smart phone? Those are way more practical than your... _Brick_.” “John is scared of smartphones.”

“I am not scared, I just don't trust them. Besides, those damn things are a breeding ground for lightning spirits.” Zed had a hard time to keep a straight face. “Lightning spirits?”

 

“That is what they are called in English, it loses its dread in the translation.” “So you are telling me that you can invite demons into your body to heal you, but smart phones are scary?”

“To his credit, he's also rubbish at that.” John stared at his best friend. "How on earth does this count as credit?!"

"Well, I cannot really _defend_ stupidity like that, can I?" Chas had a point, he had to give him that. "Fair enough."

"And Zed, you should really ditch that entertainment centre in your purse. Get yourself a nice flip phone or a second generation Samsung." She looked disgusted. "No chance, John."

“Suit yourself, but I'm telling you, no demon would be caught dead possessing a Nokia 3310.” “Yeah, I'm with the soldiers of hell on this one.”

"Let's go and check on that waitress. Chas, to this address, please."

 

When they arrived at the diner, it was closed down.

"The sign says open till two." "You mean the sign next to this giant, red cross?" Zed pointed to the crudely painted cross. "Is that... Ketchup?" 

John dragged his finger through the sticky substance and licked it. "Yes, and the cheap kind too."

 

"Damit, John! Did you have to do that?! What if it had been... I don't know, demon blood?" "Nah, demon blood is corrosive. But it's nice to know that you care for my life, Zed."

"So, what are we gonna do now, wait?" Chas yawned wide. "No, I say we go to a hotel and wait until tomorrow."

"Wait, John Constantine doesn't suggest that we break in, steal the employment information and search for the girl?" "If you want to commit a felony here, be my guest. I need my sleep. You're coming, Chas?"

"Don't ask, Zed. Just get into the car. He knows what he's doing. Most of the time."

 

 

 


	7. Lucifer's pen pal and his wench.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Azazeal saves the day and Max shows of her motivation skills.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yep, I'm still writing on this thing and now that this chapter is finally out of the way, I can focus on ending the story soon.

"So he made the people act all crazy?" "I don't know but he made them tip us handsomely."

"Max, he is a fallen angel who might or might not want to use you for his evil agenda. And I don't care what David says, I'm pretty sure, that it will involve sex." "I know you want to remind me to be careful but

all you do is make him sound more attractive to me."

"Max! I'm serious!" "What? Between dude's who did time, drugs and my mom, Johnny, Mr. six-pack-with-no-brains and Johnny again, tall dark and handsome is actually the most normal guy, that ever showed

interest in me. And yes I'm including the fact that he is probably pen pals with Lucifer."

"Max." "And let's face it, any child from me would have a tail and some horns, regardless of the father." "Max, stand still."

 

Before them where three dogs, no one of them smaller than Moped, with long, sharp teeth and claws that really did deserve the name. The North would be proud.

"Dire Wolves? The Hipsters breed Dire wolves now?!" Max whispered and Caroline slowly pushed her out of the alley. One of the wolves jumped up and they all began to circle them. That threw Caroline off and

she fell down hard.

"Caroline, get up, please!" She crouched down next to her and saw a pretty nasty gash on her forehead. Jumpy from before tried to claw at her leg and Max suddenly lost concern for her own life.

 

 “Get away from her!” Her voice seemed to be amplified by something because the bigger one of the three wolves winched.

 _They understood me?_   The smaller, greyish one now looked directly at her and bowed its head. _Did he just fucking nod? Screw it, I take it_.

"That is my friend, and that means you have to find another skinny, annoying thing to chew on, did I make myself clear?" The three beast exchanged looks and slowly turned around. 

“Yes, that's right! You just messed with the wrong bitch! Raw! X gonna give it to ya!” Caroline's wound was bleeding more profundly now.

“Hospital, I gotta get you to a hospital.” Max patted her coat for her cell phone. “Crap! I left it at the diner! Help, somebody! Help!”

_Idiot, no one shows up when they hear cries for help and this is Williamsburg, not even ironically. But I can't leave her here..._

 

 _Next time, you will come to me._ Those were Azazeal's words. _Yeah right, he probably set this whole thing up, so I would summon him._ Caroline's breath slowed down.

“Oh fuck it! I hope you're happy with your new dark lord, Earth, because I will not let my friend die! Azazeal! Azazeal I need you!” In about five seconds, she felt a hand on her shoulder and a voice, this time

without any sly or sexual undertones, broke her out of her daze.

 

“Let me see her.” Azazeal kneeled next to Caroline. “Head trauma.” He diagnosed and retrieved a switchblade from his coat.

“What the hell are you doing with that?” “Be quiet.” He commanded and cut his palm. He dipped two fingers into the blood and traced the wound on Caroline's head. It closed immediately.

“She will be alright.” Azazeal picked her up. “But she should get medical help.” The angel nodded and carried Caroline all the five blocks to the hospital.

 ---

Of course nurse Steve was on duty this evening. And his stare gave a very clear picture of what he was thinking: “Sex game gone wrong.”

“We need her insurance information and social security number.” Azazeal fixed him with his gaze.

“You already have it, Steve. Now be a dear and prepare Miss...” “Channing.” Max answered. “Miss Channing's private room.”

“Yes, of course, sir. We need a gurney. You can visit her right after the doctor is finished examining her.”

"I'll wait here." "Suit yourself." Nurse Steve got back to reading his magazine and Max just slumped down on one of the Waiting room chairs. Half an hour later, a doctor told her that she might as well could go

home because Caroline was sedated. At least she was alright and could be visited tomorrow. It was three in the morning, when she finally left the hospital, a cup of cheap coffee in hand and a fallen angel

waiting for her.

"Thank you, Azazeal." "You are welcome." He shrugged off his coat and placed it around her shoulders. They walked next to each other for a couple of minutes until they ended up in front of her place. And just

like that, one of the Dire wolves showed up again. 

"Oh what are you doing here again?" It wagged its tail and dropped something at her feet. It was Caroline's handbag, bloody, torn and missing an handle but still usable. For bigger items naturally.

"Uhm, good boy." The thing bowed its head again and dissapeared back into the night.

"You do make friends rather quickly, aren't you Max?" "Looks like it. Did you train them yourself or are there pet stores for mythological beasts between heaven and hell?" 

"Pardon me?" "Come on, you give me that _You will seek my help_ \- speech and then we get attacked by those creatures?"

 

“I do not employ Dire wolves, you insufferable wench.” “Wench? You seriously calling me wench?” Max laughed. She couldn't help it.

“I'm not getting the humour of this situation.” Azazeal's eyes narrowed, which made her laugh even louder.

“Of course not! Why would you? A few days ago I was an ordinary waitress and my biggest problem was the rent! And now I have to deal with prophecies, big ass wolves,

a fallen angel who insults me with words from the 19th century and wants to conceive a devil baby with me! If I wouldn't laugh it off, I would jump into the Hudson.”

“What devil baby?” “That's why you are here for, isn't it? A child to rip a curtain or something.”

“Is this why you are avoiding me?” “No, I avoid you, because you freak me out.”

 

“Max, let me assure you, my interest in you is only to keep you safe. I have no desire to father another child.” “Of course not.”

“Well,” he said and stepped a little bit closer. “Maybe I have another agenda.” “There we go.”

“I really want to sleep with you. I keep thinking about your body and the things I want to do with it.” “Oh, I'm overcome with lust. You really know how to talk to a lady. Please continue.”

“When I first met you, the real you, I was struck with awe. But this form, has its advantages.” “I take _Breasts_ for 1000, Alex.”

“No, you had those before. And also a lion head. This form, I can touch, caress, enjoy...” “The more you talk, the less I want to have sex with you.”

"Really? I thought I was the best out of a bad bunch." "You... HEARD THAT?" He grinned.

"Of course. I might not be omnipotent, but my hearing is excellent." Max just stared at him. _Oh, what the hell._

"Let's go." " _Go_?" "Yes. You me, sex. Now."

"You are joking." "No. And you better live up to your bragging because the quality of the orgasms I need to block out this shitty week will have to be... What is a better word for fucking amazing?"

"Fucking amazing is quite sufficient, my dear Max."

\---

"I cannot move." "So I'm guessing, I did my job well?" She didn't think he could look more smug but there it was, all his five million teeth exposed in a wide grin.

"If you hadn't give me one of the best sexual experiences of my life ten minutes ago, I would kick you out for that tacky line." "One of the best?" "Top three."

"Is this suppose to motivate me for the next time?" "Next time?"

"Was this suppose to be a one time thing?" "I kinda thought it was with you and the whole..." She pointed to her belly.

"For fucks sake, I do not want to impregnate you, Max! That whole saga was a one time thing. Knocking up women is neither a hobby nor a compulsion of mine. I was just passing through and thought _"Hey, you_

 _know what? I'm gonna save this incarnation of the one being that showed me kindness in all my existence."_ And then things happened."

"Things?" Now it was Max' turn to be smug. "Like... _Love_?" "Stop it."

"Why? Does it embarrass the big, bad nephilim, that he likes a mere human waitress?" "I should have let the dogs eat you." 

"Yeah, whatever, though guy. Why don't you try to get to the top spot instead of pouting?"

***

 


End file.
